SenDraw!

This website has been a bright spot in my week:

http://www.sendraw.ucf.edu/downloads.php

I can't wait to break out the software and begin to create diagrams!

Congratulations Frank and Malaya!

My cousin got married this weekend at Fort Story, VA. He's 24, an officer in Army reserves, bound for Iraq in May. She's 35, an enlisted officer in the Army. In the ceremony, the minister proclaimed, "Neither will outrank the other, neither will have to call each other "sir" or "ma'am. Praise God." Praise God indeed.

The chapel, St. Teresa's, was an small 100- year old chapel founded before the Revolutionary War. The reception was at an officer's club on base. Everything was wonderful.

Congrats little Frankie!

The Lent Fast Continues

Thus far, I get joy from giving up something to get a greater sense of God's presence. I had the most lovely weekend I've had in a long time -- just the right balance between rest, work, and holy worship of God. I found a small group at my church that I would like to attend starting tomorrow.

I've had two divine coincidences in my life this weekend. One, I saw my plane partner from my Thailand trip after two years. He was hanging out at Trader Joe's in DC! Two, I met my future small group leader at church this morning because I was looking for another friend of mine -- a friend who attends this group!

God is good all the time, and all the time, God is good.

Still, I have a premonition that I'm storing up all this goodness for some tough times that are about to happen in my life and the lives of others around me.

Come what may, God is good.

Ash Wednesday and the Lenten Fast

And pray to God to have mercy upon us
And pray that I may forget
These matters that with myself I too much discuss
Too much explain
Because I do not hope to turn again
Let these words answer
For what is done, not to be done again
May the judgement not be too heavy upon us

--T.S. Eliot, Ash Wednesday

On this particular Ash Wednesday, I do feel broken by my sin and deeply in need of a Savior to bring mercy and love into these broken spaces. I don't have time to get too deep into my issues and struggles tonight, and the lack of wisdom in ruining my internet "brand" and "image" may ultimately prevent true transparency. But, it's safe to say that I've lost my way a bit in this life, and I'm traveling a road ridden with potholes of depression and anxiety, and hoping that I don't break any emotional axles. I want to have that promised time of refreshing that comes from the Lord when I repent. What better day to repent than Ash Wednesday, the fast day for repentance in the liturgical calendar.

I want to learn how to deny myself, to say that my needs and desires are less than God's ways and presence in my life. I want to surrender control. I want to listen for the voice of God by removing a distraction to my hearing him. I'm terribly inexperienced in anything other than giving my body exactly what it desires, so even a little fast will be a stretch for me.

Thus, I'm going to give up coffee for 40 days this Lent. The connection between coffee and depression and anxiety and career goals still seems fuzzy to me. In fact, I'm praying for those things during this time, and I'll get more into specifics in a later post. But, I'll start by saying that I am in real anticipation of what God will do in my life over the next 40 days. I have faith and hope.

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A random thought I had while listening to praise music: United States Evangelical Christianity is the most marketplace, consumerist, capitalist religion I can think of right now. There are so many devotional products to purchase in order to enhance and grow your faith. A young Christian needs to have praise music, Jesus t-shirts, the new contemporary Christian self-help book, a cross necklace, a WWJD bracelet (or perhaps, these days, a God iPod.)

Are we trying to be a witness with these products? If so, I'm afraid we fail because those outside of evangelical circles really aren't buying our items (literally and figuratively). Are we trying to edify believers? If so, I'm afraid that we might be shallow. Our religious icons are no longer the great art fashioned in cathedrals and churches, meant to be preserved and cherised, but cheap throw away trinkets made on an assembly line and headed for the trash very soon.

Keep in mind, I listen to worship music. I listen to podcast sermons. I like using these tools. However, I wonder if we rely on our expensive gadgets to create our faith in place of the traditions and disciplines that cost no money and are timeless. It costs no money to fast. But I'd bet I'll grow more from this fast than from all the songs I've ever bought. I'll also save the money I would have spent on coffee, and put it to a more selfless use.

If only you'd been an English teacher....

"An English teacher, an English teacher,
If only you'd been an English teacher
We'd have a little apartment in Queens
You'd get a summer vacation
And we would know what life means
A man who's got his masters
Is really someone
How proud I'd be if you had become one"
-- Bye, Bye Birdie

How well I relate to this sentiment. If only I'd decided to be an English teacher the first time around, when, earlier this year, jobs teaching English/ Humanities were offered to me in two different settings. I would have saved myself some pain and hard times during this year.

I always thought that I should do more with my life than teach -- that I should find glorious adventures somewhere in the world, achieve some kind of power, make a name for myself while I'm still young and can work many long and hard hours to achieve success. Obscurity, low pay, and repetitive basic lessons on To Kill a Mockingbird never were what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to be seen as important, respected for what I'd accomplished in the world. I don't even know if I like kids. I don't know what age people I do want to teach, which ones I'm gifted at reaching.

Here are the deeper questions that press my mind: Will I fail to be good enough if I never write a novel? Publish an article? Teach a college course? Get a PhD? Will I always be lonely if I never get married because I decided to be a teacher and being a teacher took up all my time? Will I be a spinster? Will it be so bad if I am? Are all high school teachers people who tried to do other things and failed at them? Will I be bitter at what I didn't achieve if I teach? If I commit to teaching, will I have a resume that means that I can't do anything else? Will I be stuck? Will it be a huge mistake?

I'll only be as stuck as I choose to be, and I have faith in a God that places us exactly where we need to be, exactly when we need to be there. My life will be full of adventures if I'm open enough to see opportunities around me and take them without fear. There are things more important than power and achievement in the eyes of this world, I'm certain.

Pictures from Pittsburgh

What a great weekend! Here's my favorite picture of me and Abby and our bottle of non-alcoholic glogg from Ikea.

The rest of the pictures from the weekend can be found here.

Pittsburgh, 'n'at

Tomorrow, I'm leaving my familiar skyline in DC (not that I can see much of it from my apartment window) for some new sights in Sewickley, PA (a suburb of Pittsburgh)

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And this will be my first road trip in my first car too! I'm heading for a refreshing weekend, overall. Here's the Google map of my travel path, for those whose interests are cartography and all things Google.



View Larger Map




*DC image from Duke University Career Center
**Pittsburgh image from the Pittsburgh Visitor and Information Bureau (via usatourist.com)

Double Exposure

One of my roommates has been talking about taking up photography as a hobby. I've been inspired in response to start to organize my own photos and memories from my time at American and start to be more serious about making photo art.

This is a double exposure picture that I created ever so easily through Picasa -- an image of me from a night on the town in DC about a year ago fused with a picture I took at the Washington Monument a few weeks ago.

I have a feeling this will be the quintessential image of me from my DC years, however long they may last.

I made a meez!

This is me, chilling out in a library -- one of my favorite places!

Careers I've Considered

Ballerina
Author (of the novelist or short story variety)
Freelance writer (non-fiction columnist)
Journalist
Editor
Publisher
Copy editor
Proofreader
Tech writer
High school English teacher
High school Spanish teacher
Professor of Victorian literature
College writing instructor
Director of a college or high school writing center
Theologian
Biblical textual critic
Pastor/ ministry leader
Professional librarian
Bookstore/ coffee shop owner
Historian
Museum docent

Jobs I've worked:
Church janitor -- Hated it at the time, but I realize in retrospect that it had its advantages. I worked with my family (got a lot of quality Mom time), and we could choose when we worked, as long as the job got done. I could listen to my ipod while I worked, and drink a lot of coffee.
Housekeeper -- Same deal as working at the church, except that in addition we got to get to know some interesting people that we worked for and keep the TV on for news or Dr. Phil.
Strawberry harvester -- This job required early mornings, which I still dislike. We got paid by the quart of strawberries that we picked rather than by the hour. Got wet from the leaves and straw stuck to our knees. However, free science lectures on the inner workings of a strawberry were included because the owner of the patch was a retired high school science teacher and I also worked with my best friend from high school.
Tutor in DCPS w/ DC READS program -- This job was better in theory than in practice. I think I wasn't ready for it yet. I didn't like making lesson plans outside of class because it interfered with my social life, and I was still very shy and unconfident around the kids because I was certain that they couldn't possibly like me at all. My insecurity might have made this job a bomb.
Barista -- I loved this job. It required early mornings sometimes, but making coffee was creative work. I learned a lot on almost every shift from my coworkers. I had interesting conversations with customers, some of whom were crazy and demanding and frustrating. It was a fair trade place, and alot of the crowd that worked there and spent time there were college students dedicated to causes and intellectual growth -- totally for me. I also can credit much of my appreciation for indie music to this job.
Writing Consultant -- Best job I've ever had. I work one-on-one with college students (mostly freshmen and internationals) to help improve their writing skills/ papers. There's room for growth because the supervisor is always looking to try new PR strategies, improve our website, think about pedagogy, etc. Training and collaboration are key parts of the job, and I love everyone that I work with. Only downfall: people are usually not willing to provide coverage or trade hours.
5th/6th summer remedial English Teacher at a charter school -- Interesting, and all the more so because I just got some news about the dysfunctionality of the school itself, which was my ultimate reason for leaving. In a final review, I did love the kids, but I felt very underprepared, so I panicked a lot. In retrospect, though, this gave me a chance to be creative, and I would try it again. I will make no bones about the fact that it was very, very hard work to teach -- but the reward really was in affection and creativity if it wasn't in money. Teachers bond a lot over common problems with kids and administration, I've noticed.
Administrative Assistant -- 9-5 office work, which may or may not suit me. Main duties include managing a calendar and serving as backup to the online editor with various tech postings. I very rarely take my lunch hour any more because the job is pretty inconsistent -- some days I don't have time, other days I think I do, but as soon as I leave, I realize that I was needed. The need for attention to detail is high and the pressure it pretty strong too. However, among the advantages are very competitive benefits and a nice convenient location in the city.

These lists are telling to me. Even as a kid, I've never wavered from this bookish set of career paths (with the exception of wanting to be a ballerina for a few of the early years). Now that the work that I do has moved away from the bookish world, I'm less happy with my life, what I'm accomplishing, and my future. I don't know everything about myself, but I like to think I'm in tune with the sorts of things that suit my skills. I'll continue to process this list in time and try to make some changes in my career accordingly.