I turned down a job interview today. The job would pay well, is with a reasonably reputable organization, and is something that I'm reasonably qualified to do. Did I mention it was a job that pays well? And that they were very interested in my resume? And still wanted to continue the process after a phone interview with me?
Still, I turned down the in-person interview. Are you crazy, you may ask?
The job was at a local public charter middle school, teaching English. Though I have a great resume to get a job at a charter middle school, because of my internship experience, I don't want to be a middle school teacher, and I'd rather not work at a charter school because I had a pretty rough time working in one during education internship. It was a bad experience for me, and I'm still recovering my confidence.
The first part of knowing what you want is knowing what you don't want. So, even though I am more capable now of being a successful middle school English teacher because I developed classroom management skills over time and learned how to manage a teacher workload, I turned down the interview.
Believe me, turning down an interview is a scary thing to do when I have no idea how much longer I'll looking for a job. I know my feelings are deceptive about what's actually good for me sometimes, but I can't help but trust my gut on this one. This wasn't my opportunity to take.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Thursday, July 10, 2008
The Job Search #1: Wouldn't it be enough?
This is the first in a series of posts dedicated to my current job search. In today's post, I am exploring what it means to be special in our careers.
Wouldn't It Be Enough?
Recently, a friend of mine helped me rekindle my minor obsession with the show Heroes so I'm re-watching the first season on Netflix. In case you haven't caught up with the Heroes craze, the show is about a group of individuals all over the world who are starting to discover that they have special supernatural powers, like being able to heal themselves, spontaneously generate fire, or fly. Giftedness and being "special" is a major theme of the show. All the characters try to distinguish themselves, become heroes who can save the world, people who are powerful and special. In the job search that I'm going through, I'm struggling with how to find my place in the world, how to be special, maybe even how to save a life or save the world. I don't want a career that's ordinary, I want to be a hero! If I can teach, I want to be superteacher who saves urban schools! If I can write, I want my first novel to be the next Harry Potter!
It's normal for us to want to use our gifts at to do great things. There's a dark side to the craving for specialness though. On Heroes, the character Sylar is obsessed with power and specialness. When he is tested by a geneticist, he is told that he isn't special, that he has no powers that he could use to save the world. Because he has such a hunger to be gifted, he becomes a mass murder and steals the powers of all the special people that he kills. In Sylar's case, as in many other less dramatic ones, his failure to live up to his expectations of greatness, destroyed him, and therefore the lives of others.
In a powerful scene during the first season, Sylar, who had been a watchmaker before he started to kill the heroes, is visiting his mother. He comes with a gift and a heart to start his life again, not special, but also not a murderer. His mother, whose approval he has tried so hard to win, destroys the hope that he has by rejecting his aspiration to come back to a normal life:
Sylar: It's just... maybe I don't have to be special. That it's okay just to be a normal watchmaker. Can't you just tell me that's enough?
Virginia Grey: Why would I tell you that when I know you could be so much more?
Sylar wants to be sufficient just as he is, not to have to keep adding powers to his arsenal at any cost in order to get love and acceptance. He wants to be good enough. When we are looking for a job, one of our deepest fears is that we won't be good enough to do the very thing we dream of doing so we'll always be stuck in our normal drudge-like routine.
The world causes us great wounds when it tells us that we aren't good enough as we are, that we have to strive to be special at all costs. We get angry, we get bitter, we get depressed, we fall into despair. It hurts to be told that our gifts aren't good enough, to be rejected for who we are. The wounds are even worse when a loved one or a friend is the one wielding the knife. If someone I love doesn't believe that I'm good enough just because I'm alive, then I suffer deeply. Even rejection from a job, or getting fired, laid off, or asked to resign, feels like a deep and personal rejection sometimes. Society's subtle message is that we have to keep striving, we have to keep nurturing our ambition to make it to the top, to be special, to be interesting. If we don't, we'll never be accepted, we'll never be enough.
But maybe we don't have to be special. Maybe it's ok to be normal, sometimes fabulous sometimes bumbling, administrative assistants, teachers, library aides, interns, baristas, janitors, or handymen. Having a career isn't about distinguishing myself, it's not about proving I'm the most talented person in the room, or the toughest, or the smartest. My friend H., says that the point of a career is to use the gifts God gave us in order to bring us joy and help others. I don't have to prove to God that I'm special. God created me, so he knows all my special potential. I don't have to do anything to be special. I'm loved beyond what I do.
It's ok, then, to be a normal watchmaker. It's enough. You are enough. I am enough. As You are. As I am.
Wouldn't It Be Enough?
Recently, a friend of mine helped me rekindle my minor obsession with the show Heroes so I'm re-watching the first season on Netflix. In case you haven't caught up with the Heroes craze, the show is about a group of individuals all over the world who are starting to discover that they have special supernatural powers, like being able to heal themselves, spontaneously generate fire, or fly. Giftedness and being "special" is a major theme of the show. All the characters try to distinguish themselves, become heroes who can save the world, people who are powerful and special. In the job search that I'm going through, I'm struggling with how to find my place in the world, how to be special, maybe even how to save a life or save the world. I don't want a career that's ordinary, I want to be a hero! If I can teach, I want to be superteacher who saves urban schools! If I can write, I want my first novel to be the next Harry Potter!
It's normal for us to want to use our gifts at to do great things. There's a dark side to the craving for specialness though. On Heroes, the character Sylar is obsessed with power and specialness. When he is tested by a geneticist, he is told that he isn't special, that he has no powers that he could use to save the world. Because he has such a hunger to be gifted, he becomes a mass murder and steals the powers of all the special people that he kills. In Sylar's case, as in many other less dramatic ones, his failure to live up to his expectations of greatness, destroyed him, and therefore the lives of others.
In a powerful scene during the first season, Sylar, who had been a watchmaker before he started to kill the heroes, is visiting his mother. He comes with a gift and a heart to start his life again, not special, but also not a murderer. His mother, whose approval he has tried so hard to win, destroys the hope that he has by rejecting his aspiration to come back to a normal life:
Sylar: It's just... maybe I don't have to be special. That it's okay just to be a normal watchmaker. Can't you just tell me that's enough?
Virginia Grey: Why would I tell you that when I know you could be so much more?
Sylar wants to be sufficient just as he is, not to have to keep adding powers to his arsenal at any cost in order to get love and acceptance. He wants to be good enough. When we are looking for a job, one of our deepest fears is that we won't be good enough to do the very thing we dream of doing so we'll always be stuck in our normal drudge-like routine.
The world causes us great wounds when it tells us that we aren't good enough as we are, that we have to strive to be special at all costs. We get angry, we get bitter, we get depressed, we fall into despair. It hurts to be told that our gifts aren't good enough, to be rejected for who we are. The wounds are even worse when a loved one or a friend is the one wielding the knife. If someone I love doesn't believe that I'm good enough just because I'm alive, then I suffer deeply. Even rejection from a job, or getting fired, laid off, or asked to resign, feels like a deep and personal rejection sometimes. Society's subtle message is that we have to keep striving, we have to keep nurturing our ambition to make it to the top, to be special, to be interesting. If we don't, we'll never be accepted, we'll never be enough.
But maybe we don't have to be special. Maybe it's ok to be normal, sometimes fabulous sometimes bumbling, administrative assistants, teachers, library aides, interns, baristas, janitors, or handymen. Having a career isn't about distinguishing myself, it's not about proving I'm the most talented person in the room, or the toughest, or the smartest. My friend H., says that the point of a career is to use the gifts God gave us in order to bring us joy and help others. I don't have to prove to God that I'm special. God created me, so he knows all my special potential. I don't have to do anything to be special. I'm loved beyond what I do.
It's ok, then, to be a normal watchmaker. It's enough. You are enough. I am enough. As You are. As I am.
Monday, May 26, 2008
What in the world am I going to do with my life now?
So, in the time since my last post, I've managed to become a teaching internship at a DC public charter school, teaching fifth grade English. It's been an amazing internship experience. I will always have wild and nearly unbelievable stories to tell from my time at the school. I've met amazing people, and I've enjoyed my job.
But now I'm back to the drawing board. I didn't get hired for a full time position at my school next year, and the school is doing away with the full-time internship. I could rant and rave about how this country claims to need teachers but then kicks willing and proven teachers out of the classroom, I could blame myself for all the mistakes I made in classroom management, how I didn't come into my own early enough in the school year that I could be full time, I could say I didn't love my students enough, I could say I never meant to teach fifth grade anyway, I could blame the administration of the school for not ever evaluating my performance or understanding how I'd do in the classroom on a daily basis.
But I won't pass any blame. I feel betrayed and hurt by this experience, of course, but I'm in need of changes in my life, so now's as good a time as any to pursue them. I'm feeling generally restless, but I'm not sure where to direct my energy. This begs the question: What in the world am I going to do with my life now?
But now I'm back to the drawing board. I didn't get hired for a full time position at my school next year, and the school is doing away with the full-time internship. I could rant and rave about how this country claims to need teachers but then kicks willing and proven teachers out of the classroom, I could blame myself for all the mistakes I made in classroom management, how I didn't come into my own early enough in the school year that I could be full time, I could say I didn't love my students enough, I could say I never meant to teach fifth grade anyway, I could blame the administration of the school for not ever evaluating my performance or understanding how I'd do in the classroom on a daily basis.
But I won't pass any blame. I feel betrayed and hurt by this experience, of course, but I'm in need of changes in my life, so now's as good a time as any to pursue them. I'm feeling generally restless, but I'm not sure where to direct my energy. This begs the question: What in the world am I going to do with my life now?
Thursday, March 6, 2008
SenDraw!
This website has been a bright spot in my week:
http://www.sendraw.ucf.edu/downloads.php
I can't wait to break out the software and begin to create diagrams!
http://www.sendraw.ucf.edu/downloads.php
I can't wait to break out the software and begin to create diagrams!
Friday, February 15, 2008
Congratulations Frank and Malaya!
My cousin got married this weekend at Fort Story, VA. He's 24, an officer in Army reserves, bound for Iraq in May. She's 35, an enlisted officer in the Army. In the ceremony, the minister proclaimed, "Neither will outrank the other, neither will have to call each other "sir" or "ma'am. Praise God." Praise God indeed.
The chapel, St. Teresa's, was an small 100- year old chapel founded before the Revolutionary War. The reception was at an officer's club on base. Everything was wonderful.
Congrats little Frankie!
Sunday, February 10, 2008
The Lent Fast Continues
Thus far, I get joy from giving up something to get a greater sense of God's presence. I had the most lovely weekend I've had in a long time -- just the right balance between rest, work, and holy worship of God. I found a small group at my church that I would like to attend starting tomorrow.
I've had two divine coincidences in my life this weekend. One, I saw my plane partner from my Thailand trip after two years. He was hanging out at Trader Joe's in DC! Two, I met my future small group leader at church this morning because I was looking for another friend of mine -- a friend who attends this group!
God is good all the time, and all the time, God is good.
Still, I have a premonition that I'm storing up all this goodness for some tough times that are about to happen in my life and the lives of others around me.
Come what may, God is good.
I've had two divine coincidences in my life this weekend. One, I saw my plane partner from my Thailand trip after two years. He was hanging out at Trader Joe's in DC! Two, I met my future small group leader at church this morning because I was looking for another friend of mine -- a friend who attends this group!
God is good all the time, and all the time, God is good.
Still, I have a premonition that I'm storing up all this goodness for some tough times that are about to happen in my life and the lives of others around me.
Come what may, God is good.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Ash Wednesday and the Lenten Fast
And pray to God to have mercy upon us
And pray that I may forget
These matters that with myself I too much discuss
Too much explain
Because I do not hope to turn again
Let these words answer
For what is done, not to be done again
May the judgement not be too heavy upon us
--T.S. Eliot, Ash Wednesday
On this particular Ash Wednesday, I do feel broken by my sin and deeply in need of a Savior to bring mercy and love into these broken spaces. I don't have time to get too deep into my issues and struggles tonight, and the lack of wisdom in ruining my internet "brand" and "image" may ultimately prevent true transparency. But, it's safe to say that I've lost my way a bit in this life, and I'm traveling a road ridden with potholes of depression and anxiety, and hoping that I don't break any emotional axles. I want to have that promised time of refreshing that comes from the Lord when I repent. What better day to repent than Ash Wednesday, the fast day for repentance in the liturgical calendar.
I want to learn how to deny myself, to say that my needs and desires are less than God's ways and presence in my life. I want to surrender control. I want to listen for the voice of God by removing a distraction to my hearing him. I'm terribly inexperienced in anything other than giving my body exactly what it desires, so even a little fast will be a stretch for me.
Thus, I'm going to give up coffee for 40 days this Lent. The connection between coffee and depression and anxiety and career goals still seems fuzzy to me. In fact, I'm praying for those things during this time, and I'll get more into specifics in a later post. But, I'll start by saying that I am in real anticipation of what God will do in my life over the next 40 days. I have faith and hope.
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A random thought I had while listening to praise music: United States Evangelical Christianity is the most marketplace, consumerist, capitalist religion I can think of right now. There are so many devotional products to purchase in order to enhance and grow your faith. A young Christian needs to have praise music, Jesus t-shirts, the new contemporary Christian self-help book, a cross necklace, a WWJD bracelet (or perhaps, these days, a God iPod.)
Are we trying to be a witness with these products? If so, I'm afraid we fail because those outside of evangelical circles really aren't buying our items (literally and figuratively). Are we trying to edify believers? If so, I'm afraid that we might be shallow. Our religious icons are no longer the great art fashioned in cathedrals and churches, meant to be preserved and cherised, but cheap throw away trinkets made on an assembly line and headed for the trash very soon.
Keep in mind, I listen to worship music. I listen to podcast sermons. I like using these tools. However, I wonder if we rely on our expensive gadgets to create our faith in place of the traditions and disciplines that cost no money and are timeless. It costs no money to fast. But I'd bet I'll grow more from this fast than from all the songs I've ever bought. I'll also save the money I would have spent on coffee, and put it to a more selfless use.
And pray that I may forget
These matters that with myself I too much discuss
Too much explain
Because I do not hope to turn again
Let these words answer
For what is done, not to be done again
May the judgement not be too heavy upon us
--T.S. Eliot, Ash Wednesday
On this particular Ash Wednesday, I do feel broken by my sin and deeply in need of a Savior to bring mercy and love into these broken spaces. I don't have time to get too deep into my issues and struggles tonight, and the lack of wisdom in ruining my internet "brand" and "image" may ultimately prevent true transparency. But, it's safe to say that I've lost my way a bit in this life, and I'm traveling a road ridden with potholes of depression and anxiety, and hoping that I don't break any emotional axles. I want to have that promised time of refreshing that comes from the Lord when I repent. What better day to repent than Ash Wednesday, the fast day for repentance in the liturgical calendar.
I want to learn how to deny myself, to say that my needs and desires are less than God's ways and presence in my life. I want to surrender control. I want to listen for the voice of God by removing a distraction to my hearing him. I'm terribly inexperienced in anything other than giving my body exactly what it desires, so even a little fast will be a stretch for me.
Thus, I'm going to give up coffee for 40 days this Lent. The connection between coffee and depression and anxiety and career goals still seems fuzzy to me. In fact, I'm praying for those things during this time, and I'll get more into specifics in a later post. But, I'll start by saying that I am in real anticipation of what God will do in my life over the next 40 days. I have faith and hope.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A random thought I had while listening to praise music: United States Evangelical Christianity is the most marketplace, consumerist, capitalist religion I can think of right now. There are so many devotional products to purchase in order to enhance and grow your faith. A young Christian needs to have praise music, Jesus t-shirts, the new contemporary Christian self-help book, a cross necklace, a WWJD bracelet (or perhaps, these days, a God iPod.)
Are we trying to be a witness with these products? If so, I'm afraid we fail because those outside of evangelical circles really aren't buying our items (literally and figuratively). Are we trying to edify believers? If so, I'm afraid that we might be shallow. Our religious icons are no longer the great art fashioned in cathedrals and churches, meant to be preserved and cherised, but cheap throw away trinkets made on an assembly line and headed for the trash very soon.
Keep in mind, I listen to worship music. I listen to podcast sermons. I like using these tools. However, I wonder if we rely on our expensive gadgets to create our faith in place of the traditions and disciplines that cost no money and are timeless. It costs no money to fast. But I'd bet I'll grow more from this fast than from all the songs I've ever bought. I'll also save the money I would have spent on coffee, and put it to a more selfless use.