I turned down a job interview today. The job would pay well, is with a reasonably reputable organization, and is something that I'm reasonably qualified to do. Did I mention it was a job that pays well? And that they were very interested in my resume? And still wanted to continue the process after a phone interview with me?
Still, I turned down the in-person interview. Are you crazy, you may ask?
The job was at a local public charter middle school, teaching English. Though I have a great resume to get a job at a charter middle school, because of my internship experience, I don't want to be a middle school teacher, and I'd rather not work at a charter school because I had a pretty rough time working in one during education internship. It was a bad experience for me, and I'm still recovering my confidence.
The first part of knowing what you want is knowing what you don't want. So, even though I am more capable now of being a successful middle school English teacher because I developed classroom management skills over time and learned how to manage a teacher workload, I turned down the interview.
Believe me, turning down an interview is a scary thing to do when I have no idea how much longer I'll looking for a job. I know my feelings are deceptive about what's actually good for me sometimes, but I can't help but trust my gut on this one. This wasn't my opportunity to take.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Thursday, July 10, 2008
The Job Search #1: Wouldn't it be enough?
This is the first in a series of posts dedicated to my current job search. In today's post, I am exploring what it means to be special in our careers.
Wouldn't It Be Enough?
Recently, a friend of mine helped me rekindle my minor obsession with the show Heroes so I'm re-watching the first season on Netflix. In case you haven't caught up with the Heroes craze, the show is about a group of individuals all over the world who are starting to discover that they have special supernatural powers, like being able to heal themselves, spontaneously generate fire, or fly. Giftedness and being "special" is a major theme of the show. All the characters try to distinguish themselves, become heroes who can save the world, people who are powerful and special. In the job search that I'm going through, I'm struggling with how to find my place in the world, how to be special, maybe even how to save a life or save the world. I don't want a career that's ordinary, I want to be a hero! If I can teach, I want to be superteacher who saves urban schools! If I can write, I want my first novel to be the next Harry Potter!
It's normal for us to want to use our gifts at to do great things. There's a dark side to the craving for specialness though. On Heroes, the character Sylar is obsessed with power and specialness. When he is tested by a geneticist, he is told that he isn't special, that he has no powers that he could use to save the world. Because he has such a hunger to be gifted, he becomes a mass murder and steals the powers of all the special people that he kills. In Sylar's case, as in many other less dramatic ones, his failure to live up to his expectations of greatness, destroyed him, and therefore the lives of others.
In a powerful scene during the first season, Sylar, who had been a watchmaker before he started to kill the heroes, is visiting his mother. He comes with a gift and a heart to start his life again, not special, but also not a murderer. His mother, whose approval he has tried so hard to win, destroys the hope that he has by rejecting his aspiration to come back to a normal life:
Sylar: It's just... maybe I don't have to be special. That it's okay just to be a normal watchmaker. Can't you just tell me that's enough?
Virginia Grey: Why would I tell you that when I know you could be so much more?
Sylar wants to be sufficient just as he is, not to have to keep adding powers to his arsenal at any cost in order to get love and acceptance. He wants to be good enough. When we are looking for a job, one of our deepest fears is that we won't be good enough to do the very thing we dream of doing so we'll always be stuck in our normal drudge-like routine.
The world causes us great wounds when it tells us that we aren't good enough as we are, that we have to strive to be special at all costs. We get angry, we get bitter, we get depressed, we fall into despair. It hurts to be told that our gifts aren't good enough, to be rejected for who we are. The wounds are even worse when a loved one or a friend is the one wielding the knife. If someone I love doesn't believe that I'm good enough just because I'm alive, then I suffer deeply. Even rejection from a job, or getting fired, laid off, or asked to resign, feels like a deep and personal rejection sometimes. Society's subtle message is that we have to keep striving, we have to keep nurturing our ambition to make it to the top, to be special, to be interesting. If we don't, we'll never be accepted, we'll never be enough.
But maybe we don't have to be special. Maybe it's ok to be normal, sometimes fabulous sometimes bumbling, administrative assistants, teachers, library aides, interns, baristas, janitors, or handymen. Having a career isn't about distinguishing myself, it's not about proving I'm the most talented person in the room, or the toughest, or the smartest. My friend H., says that the point of a career is to use the gifts God gave us in order to bring us joy and help others. I don't have to prove to God that I'm special. God created me, so he knows all my special potential. I don't have to do anything to be special. I'm loved beyond what I do.
It's ok, then, to be a normal watchmaker. It's enough. You are enough. I am enough. As You are. As I am.
Wouldn't It Be Enough?
Recently, a friend of mine helped me rekindle my minor obsession with the show Heroes so I'm re-watching the first season on Netflix. In case you haven't caught up with the Heroes craze, the show is about a group of individuals all over the world who are starting to discover that they have special supernatural powers, like being able to heal themselves, spontaneously generate fire, or fly. Giftedness and being "special" is a major theme of the show. All the characters try to distinguish themselves, become heroes who can save the world, people who are powerful and special. In the job search that I'm going through, I'm struggling with how to find my place in the world, how to be special, maybe even how to save a life or save the world. I don't want a career that's ordinary, I want to be a hero! If I can teach, I want to be superteacher who saves urban schools! If I can write, I want my first novel to be the next Harry Potter!
It's normal for us to want to use our gifts at to do great things. There's a dark side to the craving for specialness though. On Heroes, the character Sylar is obsessed with power and specialness. When he is tested by a geneticist, he is told that he isn't special, that he has no powers that he could use to save the world. Because he has such a hunger to be gifted, he becomes a mass murder and steals the powers of all the special people that he kills. In Sylar's case, as in many other less dramatic ones, his failure to live up to his expectations of greatness, destroyed him, and therefore the lives of others.
In a powerful scene during the first season, Sylar, who had been a watchmaker before he started to kill the heroes, is visiting his mother. He comes with a gift and a heart to start his life again, not special, but also not a murderer. His mother, whose approval he has tried so hard to win, destroys the hope that he has by rejecting his aspiration to come back to a normal life:
Sylar: It's just... maybe I don't have to be special. That it's okay just to be a normal watchmaker. Can't you just tell me that's enough?
Virginia Grey: Why would I tell you that when I know you could be so much more?
Sylar wants to be sufficient just as he is, not to have to keep adding powers to his arsenal at any cost in order to get love and acceptance. He wants to be good enough. When we are looking for a job, one of our deepest fears is that we won't be good enough to do the very thing we dream of doing so we'll always be stuck in our normal drudge-like routine.
The world causes us great wounds when it tells us that we aren't good enough as we are, that we have to strive to be special at all costs. We get angry, we get bitter, we get depressed, we fall into despair. It hurts to be told that our gifts aren't good enough, to be rejected for who we are. The wounds are even worse when a loved one or a friend is the one wielding the knife. If someone I love doesn't believe that I'm good enough just because I'm alive, then I suffer deeply. Even rejection from a job, or getting fired, laid off, or asked to resign, feels like a deep and personal rejection sometimes. Society's subtle message is that we have to keep striving, we have to keep nurturing our ambition to make it to the top, to be special, to be interesting. If we don't, we'll never be accepted, we'll never be enough.
But maybe we don't have to be special. Maybe it's ok to be normal, sometimes fabulous sometimes bumbling, administrative assistants, teachers, library aides, interns, baristas, janitors, or handymen. Having a career isn't about distinguishing myself, it's not about proving I'm the most talented person in the room, or the toughest, or the smartest. My friend H., says that the point of a career is to use the gifts God gave us in order to bring us joy and help others. I don't have to prove to God that I'm special. God created me, so he knows all my special potential. I don't have to do anything to be special. I'm loved beyond what I do.
It's ok, then, to be a normal watchmaker. It's enough. You are enough. I am enough. As You are. As I am.