And pray to God to have mercy upon us
And pray that I may forget
These matters that with myself I too much discuss
Too much explain
Because I do not hope to turn again
Let these words answer
For what is done, not to be done again
May the judgement not be too heavy upon us
--T.S. Eliot,
Ash Wednesday
On this particular Ash Wednesday, I do feel broken by my sin and deeply in need of a Savior to bring mercy and love into these broken spaces. I don't have time to get too deep into my issues and struggles tonight, and the lack of wisdom in ruining my internet "brand" and "image" may ultimately prevent true transparency. But, it's safe to say that I've lost my way a bit in this life, and I'm traveling a road ridden with potholes of depression and anxiety, and hoping that I don't break any emotional axles. I want to have that promised time of refreshing that comes from the Lord when I repent. What better day to repent than Ash Wednesday, the fast day for repentance in the liturgical calendar.
I want to learn how to deny myself, to say that my needs and desires are less than God's ways and presence in my life. I want to surrender control. I want to listen for the voice of God by removing a distraction to my hearing him. I'm terribly inexperienced in anything other than giving my body exactly what it desires, so even a little fast will be a stretch for me.
Thus, I'm going to give up coffee for 40 days this Lent. The connection between coffee and depression and anxiety and career goals still seems fuzzy to me. In fact, I'm praying for those things during this time, and I'll get more into specifics in a later post. But, I'll start by saying that I am in real anticipation of what God will do in my life over the next 40 days. I have faith and hope.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A random thought I had while listening to praise music: United States Evangelical Christianity is the most marketplace, consumerist, capitalist religion I can think of right now. There are so many devotional products to purchase in order to enhance and grow your faith. A young Christian needs to have praise music, Jesus t-shirts, the new contemporary Christian self-help book, a cross necklace, a WWJD bracelet (or perhaps, these days, a God iPod.)
Are we trying to be a witness with these products? If so, I'm afraid we fail because those outside of evangelical circles really aren't buying our items (literally and figuratively). Are we trying to edify believers? If so, I'm afraid that we might be shallow. Our religious icons are no longer the great art fashioned in cathedrals and churches, meant to be preserved and cherised, but cheap throw away trinkets made on an assembly line and headed for the trash very soon.
Keep in mind, I listen to worship music. I listen to podcast sermons. I like using these tools. However, I wonder if we rely on our expensive gadgets to create our faith in place of the traditions and disciplines that cost no money and are timeless. It costs no money to fast. But I'd bet I'll grow more from this fast than from all the songs I've ever bought. I'll also save the money I would have spent on coffee, and put it to a more selfless use.
