Sereena's Blog

Deep Questions

2009-03-02T16:31:00.000-08:00

Am I special enough?

Job Search #2: Knowing What I Don't Want

2008-07-16T09:29:00.000-07:00

I turned down a job interview today. The job would pay well, is with a reasonably reputable organization, and is something that I'm reasonably qualified to do. Did I mention it was a job that pays well? And that they were very interested in my resume? And still wanted to continue the process after a phone interview with me?

Still, I turned down the in-person interview. Are you crazy, you may ask?

The job was at a local public charter middle school, teaching English. Though I have a great resume to get a job at a charter middle school, because of my internship experience, I don't want to be a middle school teacher, and I'd rather not work at a charter school because I had a pretty rough time working in one during education internship. It was a bad experience for me, and I'm still recovering my confidence.

The first part of knowing what you want is knowing what you don't want. So, even though I am more capable now of being a successful middle school English teacher because I developed classroom management skills over time and learned how to manage a teacher workload, I turned down the interview.

Believe me, turning down an interview is a scary thing to do when I have no idea how much longer I'll looking for a job. I know my feelings are deceptive about what's actually good for me sometimes, but I can't help but trust my gut on this one. This wasn't my opportunity to take.

The Job Search #1: Wouldn't it be enough?

2008-07-10T17:49:00.000-07:00

This is the first in a series of posts dedicated to my current job search. In today's post, I am exploring what it means to be special in our careers.

Wouldn't It Be Enough?

Recently, a friend of mine helped me rekindle my minor obsession with the show Heroes so I'm re-watching the first season on Netflix. In case you haven't caught up with the Heroes craze, the show is about a group of individuals all over the world who are starting to discover that they have special supernatural powers, like being able to heal themselves, spontaneously generate fire, or fly. Giftedness and being "special" is a major theme of the show. All the characters try to distinguish themselves, become heroes who can save the world, people who are powerful and special. In the job search that I'm going through, I'm struggling with how to find my place in the world, how to be special, maybe even how to save a life or save the world. I don't want a career that's ordinary, I want to be a hero! If I can teach, I want to be superteacher who saves urban schools! If I can write, I want my first novel to be the next Harry Potter!

It's normal for us to want to use our gifts at to do great things. There's a dark side to the craving for specialness though. On Heroes, the character Sylar is obsessed with power and specialness. When he is tested by a geneticist, he is told that he isn't special, that he has no powers that he could use to save the world. Because he has such a hunger to be gifted, he becomes a mass murder and steals the powers of all the special people that he kills. In Sylar's case, as in many other less dramatic ones, his failure to live up to his expectations of greatness, destroyed him, and therefore the lives of others.

In a powerful scene during the first season, Sylar, who had been a watchmaker before he started to kill the heroes, is visiting his mother. He comes with a gift and a heart to start his life again, not special, but also not a murderer. His mother, whose approval he has tried so hard to win, destroys the hope that he has by rejecting his aspiration to come back to a normal life:

Sylar: It's just... maybe I don't have to be special. That it's okay just to be a normal watchmaker. Can't you just tell me that's enough?
Virginia Grey: Why would I tell you that when I know you could be so much more?

Sylar wants to be sufficient just as he is, not to have to keep adding powers to his arsenal at any cost in order to get love and acceptance. He wants to be good enough. When we are looking for a job, one of our deepest fears is that we won't be good enough to do the very thing we dream of doing so we'll always be stuck in our normal drudge-like routine.

The world causes us great wounds when it tells us that we aren't good enough as we are, that we have to strive to be special at all costs. We get angry, we get bitter, we get depressed, we fall into despair. It hurts to be told that our gifts aren't good enough, to be rejected for who we are. The wounds are even worse when a loved one or a friend is the one wielding the knife. If someone I love doesn't believe that I'm good enough just because I'm alive, then I suffer deeply. Even rejection from a job, or getting fired, laid off, or asked to resign, feels like a deep and personal rejection sometimes. Society's subtle message is that we have to keep striving, we have to keep nurturing our ambition to make it to the top, to be special, to be interesting. If we don't, we'll never be accepted, we'll never be enough.

But maybe we don't have to be special. Maybe it's ok to be normal, sometimes fabulous sometimes bumbling, administrative assistants, teachers, library aides, interns, baristas, janitors, or handymen. Having a career isn't about distinguishing myself, it's not about proving I'm the most talented person in the room, or the toughest, or the smartest. My friend H., says that the point of a career is to use the gifts God gave us in order to bring us joy and help others. I don't have to prove to God that I'm special. God created me, so he knows all my special potential. I don't have to do anything to be special. I'm loved beyond what I do.

It's ok, then, to be a normal watchmaker. It's enough. You are enough. I am enough. As You are. As I am.

What in the world am I going to do with my life now?

2008-05-26T18:16:00.000-07:00

So, in the time since my last post, I've managed to become a teaching internship at a DC public charter school, teaching fifth grade English. It's been an amazing internship experience. I will always have wild and nearly unbelievable stories to tell from my time at the school. I've met amazing people, and I've enjoyed my job.

But now I'm back to the drawing board. I didn't get hired for a full time position at my school next year, and the school is doing away with the full-time internship. I could rant and rave about how this country claims to need teachers but then kicks willing and proven teachers out of the classroom, I could blame myself for all the mistakes I made in classroom management, how I didn't come into my own early enough in the school year that I could be full time, I could say I didn't love my students enough, I could say I never meant to teach fifth grade anyway, I could blame the administration of the school for not ever evaluating my performance or understanding how I'd do in the classroom on a daily basis.

But I won't pass any blame. I feel betrayed and hurt by this experience, of course, but I'm in need of changes in my life, so now's as good a time as any to pursue them. I'm feeling generally restless, but I'm not sure where to direct my energy. This begs the question: What in the world am I going to do with my life now?

SenDraw!

2008-03-06T10:43:00.000-08:00

This website has been a bright spot in my week:

http://www.sendraw.ucf.edu/downloads.php

I can't wait to break out the software and begin to create diagrams!

Congratulations Frank and Malaya!

2008-02-15T07:24:00.000-08:00

My cousin got married this weekend at Fort Story, VA. He's 24, an officer in Army reserves, bound for Iraq in May. She's 35, an enlisted officer in the Army. In the ceremony, the minister proclaimed, "Neither will outrank the other, neither will have to call each other "sir" or "ma'am. Praise God." Praise God indeed.

The chapel, St. Teresa's, was an small 100- year old chapel founded before the Revolutionary War. The reception was at an officer's club on base. Everything was wonderful.

Congrats little Frankie!

The Lent Fast Continues

2008-02-10T19:39:00.000-08:00

Thus far, I get joy from giving up something to get a greater sense of God's presence. I had the most lovely weekend I've had in a long time -- just the right balance between rest, work, and holy worship of God. I found a small group at my church that I would like to attend starting tomorrow.

I've had two divine coincidences in my life this weekend. One, I saw my plane partner from my Thailand trip after two years. He was hanging out at Trader Joe's in DC! Two, I met my future small group leader at church this morning because I was looking for another friend of mine -- a friend who attends this group!

God is good all the time, and all the time, God is good.

Still, I have a premonition that I'm storing up all this goodness for some tough times that are about to happen in my life and the lives of others around me.

Come what may, God is good.

Ash Wednesday and the Lenten Fast

2008-02-06T18:17:00.000-08:00

And pray to God to have mercy upon us
And pray that I may forget
These matters that with myself I too much discuss
Too much explain
Because I do not hope to turn again
Let these words answer
For what is done, not to be done again
May the judgement not be too heavy upon us

--T.S. Eliot, Ash Wednesday

On this particular Ash Wednesday, I do feel broken by my sin and deeply in need of a Savior to bring mercy and love into these broken spaces. I don't have time to get too deep into my issues and struggles tonight, and the lack of wisdom in ruining my internet "brand" and "image" may ultimately prevent true transparency. But, it's safe to say that I've lost my way a bit in this life, and I'm traveling a road ridden with potholes of depression and anxiety, and hoping that I don't break any emotional axles. I want to have that promised time of refreshing that comes from the Lord when I repent. What better day to repent than Ash Wednesday, the fast day for repentance in the liturgical calendar.

I want to learn how to deny myself, to say that my needs and desires are less than God's ways and presence in my life. I want to surrender control. I want to listen for the voice of God by removing a distraction to my hearing him. I'm terribly inexperienced in anything other than giving my body exactly what it desires, so even a little fast will be a stretch for me.

Thus, I'm going to give up coffee for 40 days this Lent. The connection between coffee and depression and anxiety and career goals still seems fuzzy to me. In fact, I'm praying for those things during this time, and I'll get more into specifics in a later post. But, I'll start by saying that I am in real anticipation of what God will do in my life over the next 40 days. I have faith and hope.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A random thought I had while listening to praise music: United States Evangelical Christianity is the most marketplace, consumerist, capitalist religion I can think of right now. There are so many devotional products to purchase in order to enhance and grow your faith. A young Christian needs to have praise music, Jesus t-shirts, the new contemporary Christian self-help book, a cross necklace, a WWJD bracelet (or perhaps, these days, a God iPod.)

Are we trying to be a witness with these products? If so, I'm afraid we fail because those outside of evangelical circles really aren't buying our items (literally and figuratively). Are we trying to edify believers? If so, I'm afraid that we might be shallow. Our religious icons are no longer the great art fashioned in cathedrals and churches, meant to be preserved and cherised, but cheap throw away trinkets made on an assembly line and headed for the trash very soon.

Keep in mind, I listen to worship music. I listen to podcast sermons. I like using these tools. However, I wonder if we rely on our expensive gadgets to create our faith in place of the traditions and disciplines that cost no money and are timeless. It costs no money to fast. But I'd bet I'll grow more from this fast than from all the songs I've ever bought. I'll also save the money I would have spent on coffee, and put it to a more selfless use.

If only you'd been an English teacher....

2007-11-30T08:30:00.000-08:00

"An English teacher, an English teacher,
If only you'd been an English teacher
We'd have a little apartment in Queens
You'd get a summer vacation
And we would know what life means
A man who's got his masters
Is really someone
How proud I'd be if you had become one"
-- Bye, Bye Birdie

How well I relate to this sentiment. If only I'd decided to be an English teacher the first time around, when, earlier this year, jobs teaching English/ Humanities were offered to me in two different settings. I would have saved myself some pain and hard times during this year.

I always thought that I should do more with my life than teach -- that I should find glorious adventures somewhere in the world, achieve some kind of power, make a name for myself while I'm still young and can work many long and hard hours to achieve success. Obscurity, low pay, and repetitive basic lessons on To Kill a Mockingbird never were what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to be seen as important, respected for what I'd accomplished in the world. I don't even know if I like kids. I don't know what age people I do want to teach, which ones I'm gifted at reaching.

Here are the deeper questions that press my mind: Will I fail to be good enough if I never write a novel? Publish an article? Teach a college course? Get a PhD? Will I always be lonely if I never get married because I decided to be a teacher and being a teacher took up all my time? Will I be a spinster? Will it be so bad if I am? Are all high school teachers people who tried to do other things and failed at them? Will I be bitter at what I didn't achieve if I teach? If I commit to teaching, will I have a resume that means that I can't do anything else? Will I be stuck? Will it be a huge mistake?

I'll only be as stuck as I choose to be, and I have faith in a God that places us exactly where we need to be, exactly when we need to be there. My life will be full of adventures if I'm open enough to see opportunities around me and take them without fear. There are things more important than power and achievement in the eyes of this world, I'm certain.

Pictures from Pittsburgh

2007-11-19T09:03:00.000-08:00

What a great weekend! Here's my favorite picture of me and Abby and our bottle of non-alcoholic glogg from Ikea.

The rest of the pictures from the weekend can be found here.

Pittsburgh, 'n'at

2007-11-15T15:00:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow, I'm leaving my familiar skyline in DC (not that I can see much of it from my apartment window) for some new sights in Sewickley, PA (a suburb of Pittsburgh)

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

And this will be my first road trip in my first car too! I'm heading for a refreshing weekend, overall. Here's the Google map of my travel path, for those whose interests are cartography and all things Google.

View Larger Map

*DC image from Duke University Career Center
**Pittsburgh image from the Pittsburgh Visitor and Information Bureau (via usatourist.com)

Double Exposure

2007-11-15T11:23:00.000-08:00

One of my roommates has been talking about taking up photography as a hobby. I've been inspired in response to start to organize my own photos and memories from my time at American and start to be more serious about making photo art.

This is a double exposure picture that I created ever so easily through Picasa -- an image of me from a night on the town in DC about a year ago fused with a picture I took at the Washington Monument a few weeks ago.

I have a feeling this will be the quintessential image of me from my DC years, however long they may last.

I made a meez!

2007-11-15T09:12:00.001-08:00

This is me, chilling out in a library -- one of my favorite places!

Careers I've Considered

2007-11-01T16:53:00.000-07:00

Ballerina
Author (of the novelist or short story variety)
Freelance writer (non-fiction columnist)
Journalist
Editor
Publisher
Copy editor
Proofreader
Tech writer
High school English teacher
High school Spanish teacher
Professor of Victorian literature
College writing instructor
Director of a college or high school writing center
Theologian
Biblical textual critic
Pastor/ ministry leader
Professional librarian
Bookstore/ coffee shop owner
Historian
Museum docent

Jobs I've worked:
Church janitor -- Hated it at the time, but I realize in retrospect that it had its advantages. I worked with my family (got a lot of quality Mom time), and we could choose when we worked, as long as the job got done. I could listen to my ipod while I worked, and drink a lot of coffee.
Housekeeper -- Same deal as working at the church, except that in addition we got to get to know some interesting people that we worked for and keep the TV on for news or Dr. Phil.
Strawberry harvester -- This job required early mornings, which I still dislike. We got paid by the quart of strawberries that we picked rather than by the hour. Got wet from the leaves and straw stuck to our knees. However, free science lectures on the inner workings of a strawberry were included because the owner of the patch was a retired high school science teacher and I also worked with my best friend from high school.
Tutor in DCPS w/ DC READS program -- This job was better in theory than in practice. I think I wasn't ready for it yet. I didn't like making lesson plans outside of class because it interfered with my social life, and I was still very shy and unconfident around the kids because I was certain that they couldn't possibly like me at all. My insecurity might have made this job a bomb.
Barista -- I loved this job. It required early mornings sometimes, but making coffee was creative work. I learned a lot on almost every shift from my coworkers. I had interesting conversations with customers, some of whom were crazy and demanding and frustrating. It was a fair trade place, and alot of the crowd that worked there and spent time there were college students dedicated to causes and intellectual growth -- totally for me. I also can credit much of my appreciation for indie music to this job.
Writing Consultant -- Best job I've ever had. I work one-on-one with college students (mostly freshmen and internationals) to help improve their writing skills/ papers. There's room for growth because the supervisor is always looking to try new PR strategies, improve our website, think about pedagogy, etc. Training and collaboration are key parts of the job, and I love everyone that I work with. Only downfall: people are usually not willing to provide coverage or trade hours.
5th/6th summer remedial English Teacher at a charter school -- Interesting, and all the more so because I just got some news about the dysfunctionality of the school itself, which was my ultimate reason for leaving. In a final review, I did love the kids, but I felt very underprepared, so I panicked a lot. In retrospect, though, this gave me a chance to be creative, and I would try it again. I will make no bones about the fact that it was very, very hard work to teach -- but the reward really was in affection and creativity if it wasn't in money. Teachers bond a lot over common problems with kids and administration, I've noticed.
Administrative Assistant -- 9-5 office work, which may or may not suit me. Main duties include managing a calendar and serving as backup to the online editor with various tech postings. I very rarely take my lunch hour any more because the job is pretty inconsistent -- some days I don't have time, other days I think I do, but as soon as I leave, I realize that I was needed. The need for attention to detail is high and the pressure it pretty strong too. However, among the advantages are very competitive benefits and a nice convenient location in the city.

These lists are telling to me. Even as a kid, I've never wavered from this bookish set of career paths (with the exception of wanting to be a ballerina for a few of the early years). Now that the work that I do has moved away from the bookish world, I'm less happy with my life, what I'm accomplishing, and my future. I don't know everything about myself, but I like to think I'm in tune with the sorts of things that suit my skills. I'll continue to process this list in time and try to make some changes in my career accordingly.

Interesting News

2007-11-01T15:39:00.000-07:00

So, this was interesting news today. Maybe my instinct wasn't so bad after all?

Scrutiny Begins as Turmoil Rages

By V. Dion Haynes

"The chairman of the D.C. Public Charter School Board said yesterday that he is monitoring a one-year-old Northwest Washington charter school whose administration has been embroiled in conflicts with parents, teachers and members of the school's governing board."

What's more crazy is I'd go back to Latin in a heartbeat.

Working Thoughts, Part 1

2007-10-30T12:54:00.000-07:00

Time wasting, boredom, and meaningless tasks characterize the entry-level or administrative job that newly minted college graduates in Washington work from 9-5 every day. I am of the opinion that boredom at work is one of the greatest factors in poor performance and poor quality of life. Conventional wisdom says that this is "paying my dues," but I still want something more from my work than administrative tasks and document formatting. Rather than be a punk young Millennial who won’t be satisfied until she’s saving the world or serving as a CEO by the age of 25, I want to be proactive in workplace change that will make the best use of my generation’s skills and talents.

In high school, I had a friend who was brilliant. He’d been reading Dante since seventh grade, engaged teachers in conversation about books, picked out all the mistakes teachers made on the blackboard, performed complicated math, and developed computer programs in his spare time. I haven’t kept up with Jim since high school, but I’m convinced in a measure of raw brain power, Jim is more intellectually gifted than I am.

Even given deep talent, Jim got straight Cs in all of his classes and was known to act up in class through either inattention or misbehavior. Why?

He was bored.

I won’t blame all of Jim’s academic results on our public school teachers and their inability to provide tasks that could stimulate his beyond-average intellect. I think that Jim* could have used his talents to make the best of the situation in school if he’d wanted to.

Still, I think that teachers could have helped. Teachers could have engaged Jim -- and other gifted students in class -- by giving him independent projects and knowing what his strengths and goals were both inside and outside of the classroom.

Just like Jim, I sometimes act out at work, and it’s because I’m bored. It’s not that I run around the office screaming or playing pranks on anyone or giving surly glances from a back corner. However, I do spend my time surfing the internet, looking at graduate programs, playing internet Scrabble with friends, or reading my favorite blogs and updating my own. Sometimes, I’m guilty of doing that even when I do have work to complete.

I read somewhere that office workers waste up to two hours of work per day in addition to scheduled breaks and lunch. It seems that their must be an alternative to this sort of workplace where workers are both happy and productive. Happiness, stimulation, and productivity shouldn’t be at odds all the time, like they seem to be in many American workplaces.

The problem, as I see it, is two fold. On one hand, as adults rather than students, workers need to identify their talents, ask for more meaningful projects, and then be committed to completing them rather than wasting time. When we know a situation is a bad match, we should do ourselves a favor and discuss the steps to workplace improvement with our bosses, even if that means leaving out current job/field to look for more suitable work. Workers also need to have a positive attitude toward boring work because every job contains some boring work. Sometimes workplace change really means change in a worker’s attitude and values.

On the other hand, bosses and managers should respect workers enough to allow them to serve the company as more than just a function that keeps the wheels turning. Part of good leadership and good use of company resources is understanding that not everyone fits into the same mold, even if they have the same job description. For the most part, people want to use their talents in the workplace, and I’m convinced that given stimulating and meaningful tasks in addition to mundane ones, workers will do their best to achieve.

Frivolous FDR Fun!

2007-10-28T19:33:00.000-07:00

Whitney, Laura, and I went to the monuments tonight!I don't care how long I've lived here, I think I will always love DC culture & touristy history. There's something to be said about not losing the wonder of this place in the potential for cynicism caused by working here.

The Quarterlife Adventure

2007-10-22T05:08:00.000-07:00

My friend Rachelle replied to my post "Must the Quarterlife be a Crisis?" saying that she thinks that this time in life should be an opportunity or an adventure.

I think that she's certainly managing to make an adventure out of her twenties. She left a great job to go teach English in China because that's something she's always been passionate about doing. She pursued opportunity instead of insecurity, and I really like that. She keeps a blog at http://www.thisismytrail.blogspot.com. Check it out!

(At this point, Rachelle also might be the only reader of this blog.)

I want to pursue a quarterlife adventure. Not adventure for adventure's sake, not aimless wandering for pleasure, but something real and something that would do good.

On Blogging in the "Real World": This is Not Your College Freshman Xanga

2007-10-20T09:07:00.000-07:00

Does this sound like a blog entry that you've posted recently?

"icant believe that alistair said that s*** to me. hes so rude. i really just want to go home and punch him out right now, but I guess maybe i wont. i've just been so sad lately that its hard to handle my life, and I wish things would get better. RUDE PEOPLE SAYING RUDE THINGS TO ME WONT HELP!!!!"

Confession: I was once a drama-blogger just like this. I put all my deepest and darkest emotions on the line so that the world could see them. I passive-aggressively posted about my roommates and friends so that I could get them to apologize for things I thought that they did wrong. I revealed moments of weakness and depression so that my friends would come to my rescue, cheer me up, and solve all my problems.

Blogging according to a set of guidelines doesn't limit creativity, it focuses creativity to help the work achieve its full potential. Since I'm going to start to blog with focus, I'm going to need some guidelines to keep me from writing the same type of blog that I did in college.

Here are some questions I'm going to ask myself when I blog:

Would I want my Mom to read it?
Would I want my boss to read it?
Would I want my best friend to read it online rather than hear it from me in person?
Would I want my pastor/spiritual leader or career mentor to read it?
Would I publish this blog posting to my church, my writing group, or my office without embarrassment?

The Christian New Testament has some valuable about discernment on what we say, think, and write as well:

"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."

I am convinced that the things we blog about should also be true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and admirable. Thus, I will write about such things.

Must the Quarter-Life Be a Crisis?

2007-10-20T08:46:00.000-07:00

I want to use this revamped blog to focus on quarter-life issues (friendships, finances, finding yourself, ect.) and, at the least, to be able to provide encouragement, amusement, and information for my friends who are now all over the country and the world making crazy decisions and living their crazy lives.

I'm convinced that the quarter-life doesn't need to be a crisis if we face it with confidence and courage to make difficult choices.

Taking the GRE

2007-10-20T08:37:00.000-07:00

In honor of taking the GRE today, I thought I'd post my favorite GRE practice question.

------------------------------

Find the antonym...

15. Frustrate:

A. Facilitate

B. Moderate

C. Climb

D. Judge

E. Assemble

------------------------------

And the correct answer? It's C! The opposite of to frustrate is to facilitate!

I love that life lesson that the GRE provides with this question. Rather than frustrating those around me, I'd like to facilitate them doing their jobs effectively and achieving their dreams.

2007-08-21T13:52:00.000-07:00

Lately, since beginning to work at generic Higher Education Association, I've started to debate what I value in higher education versus what relevant trends are in today's universities. Today's question: How much should universities interfere in career placement? Is the goal of college to get you a job? Or, on the other hand, is the goal of college to teach you to think complex thoughts to enable you to figure out the rest of life on your own?

Until just before I graduated, I would have told you that there's no way a college should emphasize career services over academics. As a graduate in the humanities, I believed in the lofty ideals of training the mind and maturing the soul in order to make a strong human being who could get through this world because he or she was smart and resourceful. In short, I believed that training in complex thought, analysis, and research skills were enough to help a person get by in life.

However, in looking for my first job out of college, I've learned that the job market is complex, and navigating it requires a set of skills that are more technical than analytical. Building resumes and writing cover letters draws upon the good writing skills that a student hopefully learns as a part of his undergraduate education. There are also a number of internet helps However, an average humanities major will probably flounder through the process. I say this because I have friends who are humanities majors (above average ones, I believe) and who have, in fact, floundered through the process of finding their first job out of college. We need help navigating the system because our pretty thoughts won't pay our rent and egregious student loan bills.

The Princeton Review has made a clear statement of its position on the matter of career training versus general academics. In releasing its annual college and university rankings lists for 2007, the Princeton Review has replaced its Top- 20 list ranking Academic Excellence for one which ranks career services. To me, this communicates a shift in the goals of universities from intellectual training to job market preparation.

There's still a part of me that thinks this is a shame, even if I'm glad that I'm not an impoverished thinker all the time sans employment.

Read an article by The Chronicle of Higher Education on the change below.

______________________

Princeton Review Starts Ranking Career Services, Drops Top-20 List for Academic Excellence

The Chronicle of Higher Education (Aug. 21, 2007)
By SARA LIPKA

It is rankings season once again, and on Monday the Princeton Review added its annual "best" and "worst" lists to the fray. Gone this year is its "best overall academics" category, leaving room for a new one: "best career/job-placement services."

The University of Texas at Austin offers its students the best career counseling, according to the test-preparation company's rankings. But it is no longer home to the best parties, having dropped from last year's No. 1 spot on that notorious list (The Chronicle, August 22, 2006) to third place, behind West Virginia University and the University of Mississippi.

Austin made it to the top in the new category by operating not only a career-exploration center, where job counselors with backgrounds in psychology help students determine their professional goals, but 15 career centers affiliated with specific colleges at the university. Each center employs specialists in the students' field, said Lynne Milburn, director of the career-exploration center. As the state system's flagship campus, Austin also draws "the more prestigious recruiters," and it offers a "Hire a Longhorn" database for prospective employers, she said.

As for the university's slipping image as a party school, Donald A. Hale, Austin's vice president for public affairs, said the honor was meaningless. "We didn't take it seriously last year," he said, "and we don't take it seriously this year."

The University of Texas flagship campus appeared on 10 of the company's 62 lists this year, giving prospective students the expectation that in Austin they will find a good campus newspaper, a lot of pot, packed sporting events, and a good library -- but not much homework.

Such information is vital to college-bound students, said Robert Franek, lead author of the company's Best Colleges guide. "We are providing a public service," he said.

Many colleges beg to differ, but Mr. Franek has noticed something about the outcry.

"Generally speaking, schools on good lists tend to trumpet the fact that they're on good lists," he said. "Schools that are on bad lists tend to discredit the Princeton Review for ever putting pen to paper."

Unlike U.S. News & World Report, which released its latest annual college rankings last week (The Chronicle, August 17), Princeton Review does not decide who ranks where on its lists; students do. This year 120,000 of them from 366 colleges responded to the company's survey. "It is the opinion of current college students informing college-bound students," said Mr. Franek. "We're simply the messengers."

The decision to include career-center rankings this year was based on students' -- and parents' -- demand for that information, Mr. Franek said. "We know that those students are focused on the practical advantages of their liberal-arts degrees," he said.

Academic ratings are still included in individual colleges' profile, but there is no top-20 list. According to Mr. Franek, more than 90 percent of his audience did not find such a list helpful. Most students are not looking for the best academics, he said, but the best college for them.

If they want good food, according to the guide, they should go to Virginia Tech, and stay away from the U.S. Merchant Marine Academy. If it's happiness they seek, they should enroll at Whitman College, not the State University of New York at Stony Brook.

All 62 "best" and "worst" lists are available on the Princeton Review's Web site.

2007-08-14T09:29:00.000-07:00

Fantasy Congress

Have you ever had a burning itch to cosponsor a bill? A passionate urge to wield political power? A willful desire to be truly Washingtonian?

While searching my daily headlines this morning, I meandered across a site that can help wannabe politicos feed the need to filibuster. Fantasy Congress is a free online game that allow players to draft and manage their own Congressional microcosm. After drafting their fantasy congress, players mimic the actions of the government, forming relationships with their fellow Congressmen and Senators in order to pass or block vital legislation. My favorite feature is the ability to bench members for inappropriate behavior -- a feature all too little used in Fantasy Congress's real-world counterpart. The site also provides mini-games to test political savvy in passing legislation to practice for full-game play.

Now, if only Fantasy Congress could provide virtual staffers and interns to bring us a Fantasy Latte...

On Trust

2007-01-16T12:09:00.000-08:00

On my way home from work today, I saw a billboard along the side of the road which looked something like this:

Upon seeing this board, one might be inclined to make some sort of statement about the politics of such a move, of the board's right or lack thereof to remain in the public square. One might be tempted to analyze the social structure of the type of community that would allow such a board to exist along an interstate highway. One's thoughts would not be entirely out of place. I do live in the Bible Belt and there is a certain assumption about the Christian faith that comes with a community in the place where I was raised.

However, if one were to consider the socio-political implications of this sign, one could not be further from the first thoughts that I entertained when I saw it. I, being of a more literary bent, immediately considered the grammatical implications of the sign -- namely, that the sign is entirely void of punctuation.

Wishing to be helpful, I brainstormed some ways to punctuate the poor fellow for a perplexed audience. Perhaps the sign should read "Jesus, I trust you." This would be the most modest reading of the sign, but raises one important question. Just who is it that trusts Jesus? Upon whom does the burden of the first person singular identification lie? Surely not me, the viewer. The author? But who is the author, our hand writing on the wall, if you will? At the very least, I prefered a more emphatic punctuation: "Jesus, I trust you!" At the least, one ought to show conviction about this thing if one is going to create a billboard and remain anonymous in the posting of it. Another possibility arose in my mind though, one that seemed to me more enticing. "Jesus: 'I trust you!' " is the punctuation that seems most interesting to me because it turns the entire phrase on its head. Jesus, it would seem, could in this statement show some sort of confidence in me. The picture of him with open arms and bleeding heart certainly indicates an openness to give love rather than merely accepting it from another. I wept a little bit at the thought that this Jesus was willing to show confidence in me, even though I certainly am not a trustworthy person in the divinest sense of the word trustworthy.

I want to think that it's possible that Jesus could, possibly, trust in me for a change. Not that I think that I deserve to be trusted. I most often do not. I know that Biblically, to trust in my own ability is futile, and I have the evidence to prove it. Yet, I have been, of late, going through a period of insecurity and doubt in myself, in others, and in beliefs that I used to accept without wavering, and I would like a salve to fix it. As my world expands and I meet more new people who live in more new ways and I try to be intimate with those people in romance or in friendship, I learn more new reasons not to trust that people will pull through for me, remain loyal to me, protect me, and love me as myself. As I try more things I've never done before, I fail at them, or find myself less talented than others, thus doubting myself and my ability to continue to innovate and experience new things. As I ask more questions and understand more philosophy and literature, I understand the diversity of human thought, and how much more of it criticizes my own belief system than accepts it. My friends and I had a very hard last semester, and, on the brink of yet another, I can do nothing to secure that this semester will be better for us -- that we will have learned kindness rather than pettiness or joy instead of bitterness -- other than believe that it will, which is a very hard task.

I have never in my life desired more to have bags packed to run away and worry everyone else around me for a change rather than be worried myself, being as unreliable and out of control on the outside as I feel inside myself right now. It would be poetic justice of sorts, a kind of living art, to demonstrate what is going on inside by an undisciplined sort of external rally. At the least, it would attract attention. To know for certain that the one being who could never let me down thinks enough of me to trust me and invest in me in order to make me something makes me want to delve into life with an enthusiasm that I just haven't felt in quite some time. It makes me want to stay, dig my hands in deep to the mess of life and try to figure out how to make things work out better.

Everyone has had this feeling from time to time, I hope. Ishmael in Moby Dick retreated to the ocean whenever he felt this sort of "damp, drizzly November of the soul." Since whaling wouldn't be a viable or desirable profession to me (I learned last semester that whaling is now only "scientific." Though my Oceanography professor was certainly skeptical of that sort of science), I must find another way.

The other way, I believe, is the way of trust. I've got a lot to learn about trust and also about being trustworthy.

In academics, trust and collaboration have often been shunned in place of competition and solitary struggle with concepts. I have to confess that in college I have never had an unreliable group project group. I've always had fun, done my share of the work -- no more, no less -- and worked with partners of equal ability and dedication to the project. My friends tell me that this is not a typical experience. It is common to have shiftless colleagues who fail to attend meetings, show up at deadline without completed work, etc. In high school, I recall that was how groups worked -- I did the work, others watched -- though whether they watched due to laziness, genuine incompetence, or fear to interrupt my perfectionism-driven work sessions, I don't know. Most of my friends who have had poor project experiences comment about how they don't wish to do them ever again. And my friends are intelligent types who could do anything they wished -- including teach or inspire their group members to success.

I have a theory. Even though group projects and other collaborative activities seem unimportant in the scheme of thing, that it really is ok for me to prefer to work alone, I think that unwillingness to participate in collaboration is often a sign of a lack of trust in others or in one's self. We try to organize things, control results, and we often find that the best way is the sort of withdrawal that we justify as introversion. As an introvert, I understand the deep desire to be alone, but I also know that I use it as an excuse to hide from situations that frustrate me sometimes. We refuse to be frustrated for the sake of others, in order to teach them or to help them grow.

Life is chaotic. Unexpected delays happen, people make wilfull irresponsible decisions with alcohol or drugs or diet or sleep habits that result in illness or instability, tempers run wild and play the fitful throwing and raging games that they play best, traffic and public transportation create commotion, solid beliefs are challenged by new competing belief systems, leaving an individual feeling confused and conflicted at best, but at worst, hollow without a sustaining inner core to fall back upon. I have been disappointed before, inconvenienced and delayed and hurt by the chaos of others -- even chaos in the form of unexpected illness or accidents that no one can control. The chaos isn't my fault, but I have to deal with it, and I find that very unfair sometimes, and I'm just unprepared and unwilling. In order to head off the chaos before it starts, my reaction is to control everything around me, to solve a problem through intense organization to persuade people to behave as I'd wish them to so that I'm not uncomfortable -- even on issues that have no clear right and wrong answer. You can imagine how successful I am at doing so.

If I am not the one being disappointed, I am the disappointment, the one who causes worry. I've gone through phases of depression, days of disobedience, seasons of subversion of rules and norms. I am not as talented as some, I do not live up to my own potential. I have failed at things I badly wished to succeed at. I am unreliable at returning phone calls or emails. I often cancel meetings with people for reasons that are foolish. I cry and throw things for reasons I cannot explain sometimes -- because I'm restless or I feel like I'm not in control of my life, mostly.

Sometimes the chaos is rather beautiful though. A friend unexpectedly crosses one's path while she walks home, making the walk more pleasant, Someone gives a surprise present -- not because it's a holiday, but just because it's a day and one is one's beautiful self, worthy of a gift. Sometimes a disaster of an evening works out for the best because it averted greater disaster or allowed for friends to understand that they care about each other unconditionally rather than only in moments where they can entertain each other or provide pleasing distractions.

I've been reading alot of articles about mess and procrastination because of that new book that is out (I forget the title, but I'll find it) and how we ought to glory in them as, at the least, part of the process of creation, if not for their own sakes. I want to be more free to trust, to let behind the control that I use to try to keep people from letting me down or leaving me behind. These are just thoughts that reflect my state of being on the brink of heading back to school again, but they might be useful to pursue further given time and space for contemplation, thing I might just have very little of.